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Torah Portion VaYigash opens with an older brother bargaining to be allowed to replace his youngest brother as a hostage. Dramatic, no? The drama is actually that he, Judah, is the brother who Joseph blames most for having been sold to a passing caravan! Who is Judah bargaining with? None other than Joseph, but an Egyptianish Joseph who triggers no recognition in his brothers. The stage is set for the ultimate revenge – Joseph could do whatever he wanted to his brothers, who came to Egypt out of desperation, as there was famine in Canaan where they lived. He literally holds the power of life and death over them.

It’s hard to look back at childhood hurts with equanimity – as the youngest in my family I was the last to get to do things, which was certainly not my brothers’ fault. But it felt that somehow they had an easier time than me, that as the only non-male they were shutting me out. As a young adult, I appreciated that the bond between my older brothers brought them together, it wasn’t meant to exclude me. As a mother I realized that no matter what, some kid would be dissatisfied and I could rail against it, but I couldn’t change it. I could accept my kid’s anger, even listen to their (unfair) blame, but I drew the line when they wanted to disown me.

The Joseph we meet in chapter 44 is not the insufferable kid spouting prophecies who infuriated his brothers. Here we have someone who was brought low, lower than any of us can imagine, being sold into slavery, assaulted, jailed and only seemingly by luck, rising to high status. He does put his brothers to the test and makes them sweat, but finally he can’t contain himself. He sends his servants away, gives a great cry and says five words: אני יוסף העוד אבי חי. “I am Joseph, is my father yet alive?” He has to repeat himself before they can respond to him, they are dumbstruck with disbelief. They can’t believe how their fortunes have turned.

No matter how much “bad blood” has passed between us and our families, I urge us all this Shabbat to consider seriously what really is our top priority: being right or keeping the family intact? When push comes to shove and Joseph could enslave his brothers in retribution he doesn’t. Having paid a heavy personal price his values have shifted. Being right no longer seems as important when you haven’t seen a single living relative for years, at least for him. We may well take a page out of his book… we can’t change the past after all, only our perspective on it.

Shabbat Shalom                                                              Rabbi Leah Benamy